(1)
White Hair
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
(2)
Half Sister
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
(3)
Never Lie to your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
(4)
The Bus
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."
?"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
(5)
Some Things You Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
(6)
Very Bad News
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
(7)
Airplane Takes Off
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
(8)
Bad Mouthed Parrot
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"?
(9)
Train Tickets
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
(10)
Elderly Firefighters
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
(1)
I Got Him!
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a
practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
(2)
My Lawyer
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."?
(3)
$25,000 Each
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000
(4)
Stand Up
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.
He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"
(5)
What do your parents do?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
(1)
Nasty Poison
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
(2)
House Painting
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."
(3)
Last Wish
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring...
(4)
The Photo
Husband : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
(5)
Those 4 Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
" lease don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
(1)
Baseball in Heaven
Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.
"John is that you?" Dave asked.
"Yes, it's me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed. " So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven."
"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
(2)
Funeral Procession
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.
"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."
(3)
Fishing Lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
(4)
Flying Home for the Holidays
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Houston. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made this remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because.... That's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
(5)
Student Lipstick Problem
The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
Four Jokes
(1)
A thief and his lawyer
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he took the car I stole.
(2)
If you were my husband...
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
(3)
Making a confession
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
(4)
On the way home...
One fine day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Animal Jokes
(1)
Ant and elephant have romance
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
(2)
Difference between a cat and a dog
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.… They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.... I must be a god!
(3)
A blind man in a store
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
(4)
King of the jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and yells after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
(5)
5 little pigs
Five little pigs walk into a bar. They sit down at the counter and ask the bartender for some beers. They all drink about 5 beers and then 4 of the pigs have to go to the bathroom. So they go and come back and sit back down. The pigs have a couple of more beers and then get ready to leave. Once outside the 4 pigs that went to the bathroom say to the pig who didn't. "Hey, why didn't you go to the bathroom after all those beers like we did?" The fifth pig answers," Well you see, I am the fifth pig, and I go wee-wee-wee all the way home!"
Jokes
(1)
Are Your Parents at Home?
A young boy answered the phone in a whisper, "Hello?" The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper, "He can't come to the phone." The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered, "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either." The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he whispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered, "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either." Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone. The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
(2)
Is the Cat There?
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Ann, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "ut him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Jokes
(1)
A Penny
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you?”and God says: “A penny”. Then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you?”, and God says: “a second”. Then the man says: “God, can I have a penny?”, and God says:“In a second”.
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话。他问: "主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?" 上帝回答: "一便士。" 男子又问: "那一百万年呢?" 上帝说: "一秒钟。" 最后男子请求道: "上帝, 我能得到一便士吗?" 上帝回答: "过一秒钟。" ;
(2)
Two Hunters
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly: "First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking: "What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” ;
(3)
I'm the Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!"
Jokes
Capital
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington DC" .
On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
Jokes
Story In a Plane
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.
The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
Jokes
Memory Test
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Jokes
Christmas Gifts
?
A Christmas survey showed that men spend more time looking for gifts for their bosses than for their wives, but women spend more time shopping for their pets than their spouses.
This wouldn't happen if spouses remembered the truth. Your wife is the boss and your husband is a dog. Problem solved.
Jokes
What time is it now
The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."
"How will that help?" said the second boy.
"Just do it," insisted the first.
Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"
Jokes
1. What is lighter than a feather, but you can’t hold it for even 10 minutes?
Your breath.
2. What has four fingers and a thumb but no flesh and bone?
A glove.
3. What travels around the earth without using any fuel?
The moon.
4. What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Trouble.
5. What is taken from you before you get it?
My photograph.
6. What is it that is always coming but never arrives?
Tomorrow. When it arrives, it is today.
Jokes
Blonde And Lawyer Quiz?
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated(烦躁不安的）, says, "Okay, if you don‘t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don‘t know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde‘s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What‘s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn‘t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it‘s the blonde‘s turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed（稍有点恼火；有点生气）, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Jokes
Brain Transplant
A wealthy man lay critically ill. "There's only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. " A brain transplant. it's experimental and very expensive."
"Money is no problem," the man said. "Can you get a brain for me ?"
"There are three available. The first was from a university professor, but it'll cost you $10,000."
"Don't worry, I can pay. What about the second?"
"It was from a rocket scientist. It'll cost you $100,000."
"I have the money. And I'd be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?"
"The third was from a government bureaucrat. It will set you back half a million dollars."
"Why so much for the bureaucrat's brain?" the patient asked.
"Never been used."
Jokes
My Boss and I
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Jokes
Churchill and Bernard Shaw
Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II. He was a fat and short man. George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer. He was tall and lean. Both of them were humorists.
When they met at a reception, Churchill said to Shaw with a smile, "Mr. Shaw, when people see you, they must think there is a famine in our country." "Yes," said Bernard Shaw, "but they must think you are responsible for it."
Jokes
To Go To Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven?
Hands up...what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't
you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't. My mum told me to go straight home.
Jokes
脑筋急转弯
Questions
1. Why are giraffes the cheapest to feed?
为什么养长颈鹿最不花钱？
2. Why are dogs afraid to sunbathe?
狗为什么害怕日光浴？
3. Why is the pig always eating?
猪为什么没完没了地吃？
4、Why are politicians no longer concerned with snowball
fights?
政客们为什么不再关注打雪仗了？
5、What can pierce one's ears without a hole?
什么东西不用打洞就可以在穿过耳朵？
6. Where can a dog get another tail?
狗去哪里可以再弄到一条尾巴？
Keys
1. They make a little food go a long way.
因为它们脖子长，一点点食物都要走很长的路才能咽下去。
2. They don't want to be hot-dog.
因为它们不想成为热狗。
3. He's making a hog of himself.
它想成为一只肉猪。
4. The cold war is over.
冷战结束了。
5. Noise.
噪音。
6. At a retail store.
在零售商店。
Jokes
Top 14 Humor of Getting married(3)
姻缘趣话
CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."
Jokes
Humor of Getting married(2)
姻缘趣话
CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
CASE 10
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Jokes
Top 14 Humor of Getting married(1)
姻缘趣话
To those who are married and who are reluctant to get married--
CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Jokes
Quick Service
A man took a pair of shoes to a shoe repair shop and said to the shoemaker, "I'd like you to repair these shoes for me, please."
"Certainly, sir," the shoemaker said.
"When will they be ready?" the man asked.
"I'm a bit busy, but they'll probably be ready for you on Thursday," he said.
"That's fine," the man said, and left the shop.
The next morning he received a letter, offering him a job in another country. Within 24 hors he was on an airplane to his new job.
Twenty years passed and he returned to his hometown.
He remembered his shoes.
"They were a good pair of shoes," he thought. "I wonder if the shoemaker is still there and still has them. I'll go and see."
He was pleased to see that the shoemaker was still in the same shop, although he was an old man by now.
"Good morning," he said to him. "Twenty years ago, I brought in a pair of shoes to be repaired. Do you think you've still got them?"
"Name?" the old shoemaker asked.
"Smith," the man said.
"I'll go and see. They may be out back."
The shoemaker went out to the back of his shop and a few minutes later returned, carrying the pair of shoes.
"Here we are," he said. "One pair of brown shoes to be repaired. I'm a bit busy now but they'll probably be ready on Thursday."
Jokes
How Was The Dinner
"How was the dinner yesterday?"
"If the soup was as hot as the wine, the wine as old as the chicken, the chicken
as fat as the hostess, we would have had a good time."
"Since you work in the theater, can't you get me a free ticket now and then？"
"Certainly if you bring me a few notes now and then from the bank where you work！”
Jokes
If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer!
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "Run"! If you needed a break from life, click on “SUSPEND”.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click “Settings And Control Panel”.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on “Find”.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "Send Now" and a pizza would be on it's way to you...
Jokes
Going Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear(工具) and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw(锯) a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered(慌乱) and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey(曲棍球) area!
Jokes
Have you weighed your son?
Father: I sent my son to get five pounds of peanuts from you and you only give him 3 pounds. Are you sure your scale correct?
Store owner: My scale is correct. Have you weighed your son?
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
Jokes
A Girl Just Like Mother
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice.
"Find a girl just like your mother -- then, she's bound to like her."
So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like mother, And just as you said, mother liked her".
"So," asked the friend, "what happened?"
"Nothing," said the young man. " My father hates her!"
Jokes
The Earthquake
Johnny lived with his mother and father in a small town in the mountain.
One day there was an earthquake near the town. Many horses were damaged. Everyone thought that there would soon be another earthquake.
They were worried that the second earthquake would be worse than the first.
"We must send Johnny to a safe place," Johnny's mother said to her husband. "Many of our friends are sending their children to relatives in other towns."
"We'll send him to my brother, Peter," Johnny's father said. "He lives a long way away. Johnny will be safe with him."
He telephoned Johnny's Uncle Peter and asked him if he would let Johnny live with him.
"He's a good boy," he said. "He won't give you any trouble."
"All right," Johnny's Uncle Peter said, "but I'm not used to children. I live a very quiet and peaceful life."
"You won't know Johnny's in the house," his father told him.
So Johnny, who was five, went to live with his uncle.
Two days later, his mother and father received a telegram from Peter.
It said: "Am returning child. Please send earthquake."
Jokes
It's His Fault
Billy and Bobby were small boys. They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.
Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good."
"Yes, Mummy," the two boys answered, and they went out.
They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allen's house." Mrs. Allen was one of their neighbors.
"He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"
"I threw a stone at him," Billy answered, "and he quickly moved down."
Jokes
Thinking Back
We were gathered together, all ten of us, for our widowed mother’s 80th birthday. The conversation was of early struggles, walking to work and saving up in clothing clubs, when my elder sister said, “ Of course, we were bound to be poor because we were such a big family. Mom, why did you have so many children?”
Mother looked around at us all and said, “ Well, where did you want me to stop?”
Jokes
For The Dog
The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when father called over the waiter.
"Yes, sir?" said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate", explained father. "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"”
"Gosh, dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"”
Jokes
To Scare Them
A mother bought her son a $39 Halloween costume to scare his friends.
“ Should I take the price tag off?” the boy asked.
“ Leave it on,” his mother replied. “ We’ll scare your father too.”
Jokes
I Got an A in Maths
Thomas is showing his report card to his father, who looks delighted. Father calls to his wife. “Hey, Marion, come and look at this report --- I got an A in maths.”
I Hope So
Neighbour: Do you think your son will forget all he learned at college?
Father: I hope so --- he certainly can’t make a living by kissing girls.
Jokes
Something I Didn't Do
Mother: What are you crying for?
Tommy: Teacher kept me in for something I didn't do.
Mother: Something you didn't do? What was it?
Tommy: M-m-my lessons!
To Buy a Video
Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.
“ I’m afraid we can’t afford one,” sighed his mother.
But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.
“ How on earth did you pay for that?” gasped his mother.
“Easy, mum,” replied Amos, “I sold the television!”
Big Head
“All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.”
“Don’t listen to them,” his mother consoled.“ You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.”
“Where’s the shopping bag?”
“I haven’t got one - use your hat.”
Who Should Be Given the Present
A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?’ he inquired.
There was silence, and then a chorus of voices: “ You play with it, daddy!”
Improvement
One student to another:" How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine, I used to be the one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
He Swore to Die
"If you refuse to marry me." he swore, "I shall die!" She refused him.
He died sixty years later.
A Family Quarrel
The young newly-weds quarreled. At last she could bear it no longer and burst into tears.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you any more. I'm packing up my things and going off to mother."
"Fine, my dear," said her husband." Here are the travelling expenses."
She counted the money, "What about the money for the return ticket?"
Arctic Explorer
Boy: Dad, when I grow up I want to be an Arctic explorer.
Father: That's fine, Bill.
Boy: But I want to go into training at once.
Father: How so?
Boy: Well, I want a dollar a day for ice cream so I'll get used to the cold.
A School-report
The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read:
"English, poor, Franch, weak, mathematics, fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad.
"Well, dad." said the son, "it is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line, which read:" Health, excellent."
[ 本帖最后由 Family 于 2008-12-26 21:14 编辑 ] |
